I just want to rant and share the experience I've had so far in dealing with my parents since telling them I have a black girlfriend.
When I was in my pre-teens or early teens, my parents apparently expressed that I couldn't date a black person. At the time I didn't think much of it and may have even agreed to their wishes, I don't remember (it was a while ago). Over the years as I've grown up, race didn't matter to me regarding a potential partner. It's strictly about personality, characteristics, goals in life, and those things don't correlate to race.
I met someone by chance a few months ago. We went from hanging out as friends, to falling for each other, to being in a relationship. She's beautiful, smart, and funny, I love her personality, I love her passion, I admire and think highly of her characteristics, morals, and personal goals.
I told my dad about her over text while he was on vacation, included a picture of us together, and expressed my concerns about my mom due to my gf's race. From his initial reply, he seemed mostly neutral to it, although he said it came as a shock to him. The following days, his texts went from neutral to more wary/negative. He asked to meet for lunch a day after he got back, to talk. I wasn't sure about what, but initially I thought it was going to be about how to approach my mother about this.
During this meeting, he said he was shocked that I was dating a black girl. He said I ruined the rest of his vacation because of the news and because he had to keep it to himself for the rest of the trip. He said I was immature for dating a black girl despite me knowing that they don't want me to date one. He said I've done a lot of things against his will throughout my life and he compromised letting me do so, but this time he would not compromise. He would not accept nor support this. This was the "red line", the bottom line, the line which he wouldn't compromise. Not the time I chose which school I wanted to go to for college. Not the time I explored pre-med courses my first two years of college, despite him knowing I wouldn't like it. Not the time I spent the year after my undergrad working part-time while playing/working on my music. Just this time.
I expressed to my father my reasons for falling for this girl and that race did not play a part in it. That I understood the difficulties for any future generations, the difficulties we'd face from bigots (much like him). He called me idealistic, naive, and explained about social hierarchy (in his view: whites --> asians --> hispanics --> black), and how I'd be marrying down if it ever came to that. He asked if any of my friends were dating a black person. I told him about my white friend who was, and he said at least the level would be higher than an asian/black pairing. He was blunt in saying that it came down to a race issue, spewed some generalizations, and that if it made him racist, he was racist.
He said I got myself in this mess and that I would have to choose between her or my parents, a few months relationship vs a life-time relationship. That I was to blame for hurting myself and whoever I didn't choose. This was all on me, because I chose to date a black girl while knowing they didn't want me to. My parents were the victims, my gf was a victim. He said that if I had been mature and really cared for and loved my parents, that I would not have even started this. He said I was selfish and that I always have been (due to doing things I wanted to and not listening to my parents as much as they wanted me to). That if I cared for them, I'd say "nope, my parents would disapprove of her race, so I shouldn't pursue anything" (paraphrasing) from the get go. To be honest, I didn't think of my parents when I met this girl. I was only thinking of myself and I saw long-term potential with an awesome human being. I had to go for it. He said I’d have to tell my mom.
I went back to my parent’s the next day and told my mother. Her immediate reaction was to say “no” and “this is impossible” before she broke out in tears. She went upstairs and threw a tantrum. Crying even harder, and banging on a counter top. She asked me how I could torture them like that, whether I wanted to torture them until their deaths, how could I do this to them. I went downstairs and my father reiterated the stuff he said the previous day, emphasizing the societal problems we would face this time. Again the ultimatum was given, either my gf or my parents. The next day my mother called me while I was driving to work again expressing how I didn’t love them, that I was self-centered, that they gave me so much and I was doing this to them. She mentioned the ultimatum. That I’d be dead to them, that it’d be like they never had a son. That if I chose my gf, it would mean I cared more about her than my parents. That she would get me fired from my job (she has connections in the company and connected me with them) and take my car away (handed down to me).
The following days were filled with texts and calls filled with the same things said before (along with crying), how they can’t sleep, are losing weight. My mom went so far as to say she felt like cancer was spreading through her body.
I tried to understand their perspective of why they didn’t want me dating my gf and it came down to her race, that it would bring shame to the family, that their friends and family would shame or look down upon them, that our future generation would struggle. The ultimatum. What I don’t understand is they’ve flipped it on me saying I need to choose between my gf or my parents, when in fact I’m choosing both. I want both in my life. They are choosing to disown me for being with my gf. I am dead to them if I do so. I just wanted to inform them I’d met a great girl, someone I could see myself with for a long time, if not for life. I was met with some of the most extreme reaction I’d ever seen and threatening of disownment. I would understand if they’d met her and did not approve of her based on her character or personality, but to disapprove based on race?
I am so appreciative of my parents and things they’ve done for me. I try to show my appreciation by picking up the check often, helping them around the house or with whatever they need (electronics) if I’m at their place, seeing them once a week at church, talking once a week on the phone (we live in the same state and not too far from each other). I understand I wasn’t the perfect child, and they’ve let me know many times, often comparing me to other kids. But I cannot grasp the idea that they control who I date and eventually marry.
Can anyone relate to the extreme reactions my parents to a non-asian girlfriend.
Tl;dr: Informing my parents of my black girlfriend led to disapproval, ultimatum between my gf and parents, crying and tantrums, threats of taking things away. What do? Can anyone relate?